Pity Party

I have to admit that I have been in a funk. This doesn't usually happen to me until late July/August but it's come earlier this year. I really dislike hot weather (unless I'm at the beach). I'm just much happier in the cooler months. During summer here in the South, I dream about living in Oregon with their cooler humidity free weather :) I also think it is because of all the stress with my family right now (my dad is getting ready to have triple bypass surgery) and the fact that I think I have a sinus infection. Of course, I am refusing to do the logical thing and go to the doctor for some medicine. But, I hate taking antibiotics because my body always says "nope-been there done that"and I break into a rash no matter what kind they give me.

So here I sit miserable..... While having this pity party, I have been very frustrated and short tempered. I'm having thoughts like "why am I homeschooling these children? I don't even like them at the moment!" I start having doubts and wonder if I should put them back in school in the fall. Join up with society and get back on the hamster wheel with everyone else? I would have more time to myself and my house would be organized and clean all the time. I could play tennis like all of the other homemakers who's kids are in school....(I admit I get pangs of jealousy whenever I see a mom in a tennis skirt). Maybe I would enjoy my kids more if I was away from them for part of the day?

But now as I write this, I'm thinking of all the things I would miss. That early morning cuddle with my youngest, watching my 8 year old as a new idea finally clicks for her, seeing my two girls play together and listening to the wild imaginative stories they can create with their dolls, my son's endless questions about history as he trys to put it all together in his mind, the closeness they all share as siblings, the freedom to take the day off and go on a fieldtrip or on a nature hike. None of this would happen if they were in school. Every morning would be a race to make it to school on time and when they got home, they would be out the door to play with friends. I probably wouldn't even get a response to how was your day? I would get my wish. I would have some alone time. But I don't think I would "know" my children the way that I do now.....

Sometimes, I just need to remind myself how important it is to live in the moment. My philosophy since my illness is to spend as much time as I can with the one's I love today, because today is a gift and tomorrow is ... well...uncertain....I know this better than anyone. I don't know if I am going to be here to see all of their milestones. I just want to be able to share everything I can with them while we are together. So, I think I need to "buck" up and keep plugging along. Call the doctor and make an appointment (ugh!!). It's going to be a great day today. I think after I go to the doctor, I will take the kids on a nature hike or to my parent's for a swim. I think we all could use a little fun today.